Abba October 16, 2007

I never had a father. I never knew the feeling of throwing my arms around his neck and saying, “Daddy, I love you!”

I spent many nights in tears next to my bed…trying to hide it from my mother so she would not relive the pain. I was three years old when he left. Tragedy struck and that was it. Game over.

I have two memories of my father. The rest is fill in the blank from my sisters.

But in my own little world, I imagined that I was his princess and he would run into the room at any moment and say, “That’s my girl!” And he would pick me up in his arms and swing me around with so much energy and laughter. In my dreams, he adored me and was so proud of me.

I imagine this is a glimpse of how God feels. He is captivated by us. He feels our heart beat and he longs to wrap us in his arms and say, “Daddy loves you!’ Surely, there are times when He pauses, kneels down and weeps over our loss…feels our pain…and longs to envelope us in his Love. He is our Abba. He is our Father. He cannot love us any more than he does. We are the WHY behind his love. We are the pictures in the frames that he shows off. We are the dream that he created.

I have watched Bella hug Michael a thousand times…he is her daddy. She loves him to the core. She feels alive in his presence. She beams around him. I see the sparkle in her eyes as she tries to please him and she knows even at the early age of 4 that there is nothing better than the love of her father. And Michael melts when he holds her in his lap or walks through the park holding her hand. He feels so overwhelmed with emotion for his daughter. It is breathtaking to see how she affects him. His love has no end with her…

So it is with our heavenly father…there is nothing better than his love. He made us to be alive in his presence. He made us in a way that we would only be satisfied with HIS love and he gives it to us so willingly. He melts when we are close to him. His desire for us is breathtaking and his sacrifice to be with us is overwhelming. His love for us has no end.

I can pretend His love for me away and say I don’t need or want it. I can blame not having an earthly father for my inconsistencies with God in Heaven.  I can blame God even for taking my dad away, but the truth is…I need Him.  I need Him more than anything.  I am that little girl in His arms twirling through the air…never wanting or needing another thing but His love.

There is a song by Natalie Grant called…Held. It is such a delicately beautiful song. And it helps me visualize God…my Father…who holds me when I cannot stand…who loves me when I cannot move…who breathes for me when I cannot…on my own.

“This is what it means to be Held.”

who does this? October 3, 2007

there is a lady standing in front of me at Starbucks. she doesnt know me. she’s never seen me. she turns around and smiles, “How ya doin?” I shift my weight from one foot to the other. “Oh, geesh” I think to myself “Am I being targeted for a sale? Does she want something?” “I’m good” comes my reply. “Yah?” She laughs…”Glad to hear it!” She turns, orders her grande something or other and away she goes to the other end of the counter. That’s it! For real. She says nothing else and out the door she disappears into the melting chaos that is our lives.

I have to sit and think about this. Who does this? Who wants to know? And why? It’s the life we know…don’t bug me…I won’t bug you kind of world. Shuffle along. Occasionally smile. March to the Beat. Set your expectations low…you will need it to survive.

It makes me think about people. The very essence of life.

We breathe. We move. We laugh. We love. We dream. We cry. We yell. We struggle. We hope. We try. We let live. We let die. We are people. We are not some sub-human species looking in on planet earth to see how the creatures interact. WE ARE THE CREATURES…designed by something bigger than ourselves…the Creator.

I have been reading a book by Donald Miller called Searching for God Knows What…In his book, Miller is so real about his desire for human interaction and how he somehow wonders if the Christians are missing it (he is a Christian, mind you). Are we people interacting with RULES instead of RELATIONSHIPS with people? Jesus died on a cross (imagine a splinter). He was flesh and He died on a cross to save us while we were yet sinners. He had no rules in his head about how he could separate the good from the bad. His M.O. was love. His pain was for LOVE. He never sidestepped that the entire time he walked this planet. He spoke so plainly about it that people felt the need to complicate it. Surely, he meant more…surely he meant there needed to be something else to keep people in line…surely He would want us to whip fellow humans into shape.

Honestly?

He loved the woman at the well. He loved the blind man who said, “I want to see”. He loved the tax collector who cheated people. He loved the prostitute. He loved Peter who denied him. He loved. And He kept loving. And kept loving PEOPLE….he backed up what he said…not with a checklist showing everything Christian-ese he had accomplished but instead as a servant. He brought relief to people not condemnation. He truly saved them by serving them.

As I sit with my pumpkin spice latte, taking in the patrons of the coffee world…I wonder now, what does this look like in the 21st century? Why do I discriminate a person’s intentions? their motive? What if today…that greeting saved me? What if today that lady in line gave me hope? What if today I could be that hope? And so I throw away my bio-degradable cup into the trashcan and smile knowingly at a young girl writing her philosophy paper, “hi, how ya doin?”