I never had a father. I never knew the feeling of throwing my arms around his neck and saying, “Daddy, I love you!”
I spent many nights in tears next to my bed…trying to hide it from my mother so she would not relive the pain. I was three years old when he left. Tragedy struck and that was it. Game over.
I have two memories of my father. The rest is fill in the blank from my sisters.
But in my own little world, I imagined that I was his princess and he would run into the room at any moment and say, “That’s my girl!” And he would pick me up in his arms and swing me around with so much energy and laughter. In my dreams, he adored me and was so proud of me.
I imagine this is a glimpse of how God feels. He is captivated by us. He feels our heart beat and he longs to wrap us in his arms and say, “Daddy loves you!’ Surely, there are times when He pauses, kneels down and weeps over our loss…feels our pain…and longs to envelope us in his Love. He is our Abba. He is our Father. He cannot love us any more than he does. We are the WHY behind his love. We are the pictures in the frames that he shows off. We are the dream that he created.
I have watched Bella hug Michael a thousand times…he is her daddy. She loves him to the core. She feels alive in his presence. She beams around him. I see the sparkle in her eyes as she tries to please him and she knows even at the early age of 4 that there is nothing better than the love of her father. And Michael melts when he holds her in his lap or walks through the park holding her hand. He feels so overwhelmed with emotion for his daughter. It is breathtaking to see how she affects him. His love has no end with her…
So it is with our heavenly father…there is nothing better than his love. He made us to be alive in his presence. He made us in a way that we would only be satisfied with HIS love and he gives it to us so willingly. He melts when we are close to him. His desire for us is breathtaking and his sacrifice to be with us is overwhelming. His love for us has no end.
I can pretend His love for me away and say I don’t need or want it. I can blame not having an earthly father for my inconsistencies with God in Heaven. I can blame God even for taking my dad away, but the truth is…I need Him. I need Him more than anything. I am that little girl in His arms twirling through the air…never wanting or needing another thing but His love.
There is a song by Natalie Grant called…Held. It is such a delicately beautiful song. And it helps me visualize God…my Father…who holds me when I cannot stand…who loves me when I cannot move…who breathes for me when I cannot…on my own.
“This is what it means to be Held.”
