if i never April 21, 2008

what if i never…

said that
did this
met you
made this
held you
told you
loved you
went there
read this
saw that
remembered that
let go
ignored you
thought that
judged you
liked this
surrendered this
decided this
lingered there
imagined that
picked this
followed you
gave this
laughed at
believed you
forgot that
pretended that
gave up
changed you
changed that
showed up
gave up
lost this
played that
drove there
drank that
kissed you
missed that
pictured this
destroyed you
ended that
ignored this
grew up
made up
lived out
made out
checked out
smiled at
figured out
sold out
discovered that
looked at
embraced you
walked out
joined that
talked about
danced with
became that

if i had never..
it’s what i’ve become

beautiful redemption April 17, 2008

flooded by emotion
i cannot contain
something inside me is
screaming your name
and it begs to be heard
but I choke back the sound
and I smother the words
so nothing comes out

but it’s you…
its you

and i know that voice
and I have no choice
but to arouse the feelings within
and take hold again
even if it means losing
a little bit of me…

at a time

then again
thats what its all about
dying to me…stepping aside
as you take center
in my hallow life

where the river is dry
far as the eye can see
and my bones are weary
from the endless heat

but there he is…
my beautiful redemption

in one simple moment
he removes all doubt

he stoops to the ground
to tend to my soul
and waters and nurtures
so my heart can be whole

never once does he condemn
this soil in his hand
not once does he let go
of this fragile thing that i am

because i am intentional
he spoke me into being

and everything that’s beautiful
is all that he’s seeing

chasing the world February 17, 2008

lots of thoughts on my mind lately…some that are more consuming than others.

i had an overwhelming moment this morning…as my mind whirred with what i should be doing and with what i needed to buy and with where i needed to be…i came across the cover to an album in my itunes, One Day Live…i only have one song from the album. it’s called One pure and holy passion…and man that song gets me everytime, but it wasnt the song that grabbed me today…it was the cover…a man curled up on his face caught in a moment of worship and it was at this moment that God said to me, “Quit chasing the world!”

“What??? Am I? How Lord?”

And it flooded me how relentless I am in picking up the same old things and once again making them part of my life when I know that it is not what I want. Paul stated this in Romans 7…by saying,

14We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. 15I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.^[c] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

21So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; 23but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. 24What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? 25Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!
So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God’s law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.

I am a child of God. I am not ignorant to his ways and his workings in my life and yet I find myself stuck in a moment…trapped by lies and walking hand in hand with the world at any random moment. It is the quiet whisperings that become a slow entrapment into that way of life I knew before…and it comes so slowly…it doesn’t slam into my face with a neon sign…sin is so very sneaky…Satan appears in the most enchanting ways with the most beautiful lies and even the most devout follower of Christ finds himself a slave once again to some sin. And it is so dreadful…that moment when you wake up a week, a month, a year later and look around with disgust at who you have let yourself become…

someone once said, how could you know joy if you had no sorrow?

how could you know light if not for dark?

how could you appreciate the calm if not for the storm?

sometimes it is the realization of the heights from where we have fallen that makes us see sin as sin and light as light…

as i emerge from these moments in my life, as i find my way and walk toward the light once again…i imagine myself like the man on the cover of this album…on my face, broken, willing to do and be anything God wants me to be…humbled at his sacrifice…and loved…for i was bought with a price…the son of God gave his life…he bled for me so that i might live…not as the world lives, not for my own gain…but to honor him.

May my one and only passion be to serve and love as my Saviour has done…everything else is just chasing the wind.

his will January 6, 2008

michael talked about new year’s resolutions last wednesday, but more importantly he talked about God’s will and how it is always going on around us…we just have to choose to be a part of it. we have to make a choice to walk in it. he is going to use us…it’s a fact.

but I find myself wondering what hinders his will. what do i do or not do that prevents me from walking in the plan that he has willed?

what do I have going on in my life that isn’t aligned with the Spirit of God?

am I afraid to dream big for fear that God may not have those dreams in mind? am i afraid to tell God my hopes and fears because they may or may not not become a reality in my life?

i think sometimes i view God as someone who sees what i want and then asks me to do the complete opposite…but what if what i want is nothing compared to what God wants and what if he wants to use me in a much bigger plan that changes things…people, time, history…what if he had me in mind to do a specific thing long before i was born.

am i afraid to do or say or live a certain way because it might mean losing everything i know as good and right and real?

but what is good if God isn’t in it?

and what is right if He isn’t the one in control of it?

and what is real if HE didn’t create it?

in light of so many recent events in my life…i am compelled to ask myself why i am here…and for how long?

if He created the world. if He created me. if He sent his Son to die for my sins so i could be with him forever. if i believe all of this as truth…then what in the world am i waiting for? when am i gonna take the dive into the unknown and be consumed by his will?

when am I gonna give up what holds me back from doing all that he desires?

how long will i teeter on the edge of HIS reality and my own?

it only takes a choice. it only takes a moment…

before everything changes

Abba October 16, 2007

I never had a father. I never knew the feeling of throwing my arms around his neck and saying, “Daddy, I love you!”

I spent many nights in tears next to my bed…trying to hide it from my mother so she would not relive the pain. I was three years old when he left. Tragedy struck and that was it. Game over.

I have two memories of my father. The rest is fill in the blank from my sisters.

But in my own little world, I imagined that I was his princess and he would run into the room at any moment and say, “That’s my girl!” And he would pick me up in his arms and swing me around with so much energy and laughter. In my dreams, he adored me and was so proud of me.

I imagine this is a glimpse of how God feels. He is captivated by us. He feels our heart beat and he longs to wrap us in his arms and say, “Daddy loves you!’ Surely, there are times when He pauses, kneels down and weeps over our loss…feels our pain…and longs to envelope us in his Love. He is our Abba. He is our Father. He cannot love us any more than he does. We are the WHY behind his love. We are the pictures in the frames that he shows off. We are the dream that he created.

I have watched Bella hug Michael a thousand times…he is her daddy. She loves him to the core. She feels alive in his presence. She beams around him. I see the sparkle in her eyes as she tries to please him and she knows even at the early age of 4 that there is nothing better than the love of her father. And Michael melts when he holds her in his lap or walks through the park holding her hand. He feels so overwhelmed with emotion for his daughter. It is breathtaking to see how she affects him. His love has no end with her…

So it is with our heavenly father…there is nothing better than his love. He made us to be alive in his presence. He made us in a way that we would only be satisfied with HIS love and he gives it to us so willingly. He melts when we are close to him. His desire for us is breathtaking and his sacrifice to be with us is overwhelming. His love for us has no end.

I can pretend His love for me away and say I don’t need or want it. I can blame not having an earthly father for my inconsistencies with God in Heaven.  I can blame God even for taking my dad away, but the truth is…I need Him.  I need Him more than anything.  I am that little girl in His arms twirling through the air…never wanting or needing another thing but His love.

There is a song by Natalie Grant called…Held. It is such a delicately beautiful song. And it helps me visualize God…my Father…who holds me when I cannot stand…who loves me when I cannot move…who breathes for me when I cannot…on my own.

“This is what it means to be Held.”

who does this? October 3, 2007

there is a lady standing in front of me at Starbucks. she doesnt know me. she’s never seen me. she turns around and smiles, “How ya doin?” I shift my weight from one foot to the other. “Oh, geesh” I think to myself “Am I being targeted for a sale? Does she want something?” “I’m good” comes my reply. “Yah?” She laughs…”Glad to hear it!” She turns, orders her grande something or other and away she goes to the other end of the counter. That’s it! For real. She says nothing else and out the door she disappears into the melting chaos that is our lives.

I have to sit and think about this. Who does this? Who wants to know? And why? It’s the life we know…don’t bug me…I won’t bug you kind of world. Shuffle along. Occasionally smile. March to the Beat. Set your expectations low…you will need it to survive.

It makes me think about people. The very essence of life.

We breathe. We move. We laugh. We love. We dream. We cry. We yell. We struggle. We hope. We try. We let live. We let die. We are people. We are not some sub-human species looking in on planet earth to see how the creatures interact. WE ARE THE CREATURES…designed by something bigger than ourselves…the Creator.

I have been reading a book by Donald Miller called Searching for God Knows What…In his book, Miller is so real about his desire for human interaction and how he somehow wonders if the Christians are missing it (he is a Christian, mind you). Are we people interacting with RULES instead of RELATIONSHIPS with people? Jesus died on a cross (imagine a splinter). He was flesh and He died on a cross to save us while we were yet sinners. He had no rules in his head about how he could separate the good from the bad. His M.O. was love. His pain was for LOVE. He never sidestepped that the entire time he walked this planet. He spoke so plainly about it that people felt the need to complicate it. Surely, he meant more…surely he meant there needed to be something else to keep people in line…surely He would want us to whip fellow humans into shape.

Honestly?

He loved the woman at the well. He loved the blind man who said, “I want to see”. He loved the tax collector who cheated people. He loved the prostitute. He loved Peter who denied him. He loved. And He kept loving. And kept loving PEOPLE….he backed up what he said…not with a checklist showing everything Christian-ese he had accomplished but instead as a servant. He brought relief to people not condemnation. He truly saved them by serving them.

As I sit with my pumpkin spice latte, taking in the patrons of the coffee world…I wonder now, what does this look like in the 21st century? Why do I discriminate a person’s intentions? their motive? What if today…that greeting saved me? What if today that lady in line gave me hope? What if today I could be that hope? And so I throw away my bio-degradable cup into the trashcan and smile knowingly at a young girl writing her philosophy paper, “hi, how ya doin?”